Bernie Derangement Syndrome
by Jason Frerichs
Disclaimer: If you can’t figure out that this is satire you probably went to Trump University
It is with a heavy heart that I must inform our readership of a very serious illness that is spreading across the neoliberal population of the United States. Of course, I am referring to the terrible affliction known as Bernie Derangement Syndrome. It’s estimated that 1 out of every 4 registered Democrats suffers from a disease that until recently hadn’t gotten much attention. Bernie Derangement Syndrome first came into the national consciousness in 2015 when groups of pundits followed by social media users started experiencing symptoms of irrational hatred and anger for unknown reasons.
In 2017, renounced medical researcher Dr. Jerry Mander MD of Iowa State University started pouring over data in an attempt to understand the phenomenon. He found that only 12% of those who either voted in the primary or caucused for Bernie ended up voting for Trump. Dr. Mander concluded that this 12% were not Democrats and were never going to vote for Hillary regardless of who the Republicans ran. This was compared to 24% of those who voted in the primary or caucused for Hillary ended up voting for McCain.
What are some of the signs of Bernie Derangement Syndrome? According to Dr. Mander, some of the telltale signs include foaming at the mouth whenever there is a positive article about Bernie Sanders, irrational hatred in the comments sections towards anyone who supports the good senator, and demands of party loyalty to the Democrats. Such individuals are oblivious to the fact that party loyalty in the 1850s meant supporting slavery and in the 1920s it meant supporting segregation. Latent racism and sexism are also very common symptoms. The desire to erase the significant contribution that women and folks of color have made to his campaign is a very serious symptom that has researchers perplexed. In one severe case, a victim was found in a fetal position, rocking back and forth, and muttering, “but he’s not a Democrat” over and over. If you’re a middle-aged to an elderly white man and you feel the overwhelming desire to harass and offer unsolicited advice to young women, you might suffer from Bernie Derangement Syndrome.
What treatment options are there for those suffering from this dreadful disease? As of press time, there isn’t any known cure. Clinical trials are underway with the hope that access to accurate information, a soothing environment, and cannabis-infused gummi bears will turn the tide. Researchers have also found that removing the patient from their echo chamber and having interactions with thoughtful supporters of all candidates, including Bernie Sanders, can help some patients enter remission. A comprehensive outpatient treatment program is necessary to prevent a relapse. My fellow Americans, together we can come together and defeat this terrible affliction known as Bernie Derangement Syndrome. For now, thoughts and prayers.